Some Meanderings About Being a Parent

There has been a lot of outrageous child abuse cases happening lately here in the Springs. It makes me so sad. I was listening to the news on the way home the other day when the newscaster told of the recent case involving a 24 year old man that beat his 4 month old daughter to death because she wouldn't stop crying. The details they told literally made me want to throw up. I can understand that the crying can be bad and hard to deal with...Joey was mildly colic for a month or two. I can vividly recall afternoons that I sat bawling when Ryan had to leave for work and I dreaded the evening hours because I knew that Joey was going to cry for a couple of hours, making me feel incompetent and horrid because NOTHING I did made it stop (or start for that matter!) But there are ways to deal...when I reached my limit I called my best friend, I put Joey in a safe place (his swing usually) and I stepped outside and cried on the phone to Desiree. She got me through a couple of really rough nights and I am so glad I have her in my life! But because of those experiences I can honestly see how people crack, go over the edge and snap. I just have a hard time comprehending the absolute horrid guilt that would follow. Just a baby, they can't tell you if their tummy hurts or if they just have a hair wrapped around their pinky toe! So completely reliant on you as their parent to keep them fed, warm, clean and safe. So dependent on your unconditional love and care, a gentle reminder that life is so much bigger than you.

So Joey is now doing well at sleeping in his crib from 7 or 8 at night until 12 or 2 in the morning, there are some nights he just decides to come to momma's bed sooner and that's okay too. The other night he decided to wake up at 11 and so I brought him to bed, nursed him and snuggled him close...and as I laid there listening to him breathe, feeling his soft skin, smelling his sweet baby smell I was overcome with love and devotion to this little person. My Little Bits that will be crawling and walking and running to keep up with big brother - I have to hang on to every last memory of him as a baby because it will fly right by me before I'm ready and he'll be a big boy. Being a parent brings the world back into prospective - you look for the little things in life that mean so much, like hearing your child say, "I love you, mommy." and watching your baby's eyes light up when he sees you walk into the room. I love my children like I have loved nothing else in this world, I would put everything on the line for them in a heartbeat. How completely fulfilling.

And lately I've been struggling to understand why my own father wants nothing to do with me and my world. He is totally dead set against ever talking to me again, apparently I've been an awful daughter at some point in my life. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect and there are probably a few things I should have done differently, but isn't life too short to NOT forgive and move on? I know it's impossible to forget past discrepancies, but doesn't it heal to forgive the one who trespasses? We live in the same city, yet we are a thousand miles apart emotionally. A couple years ago we stopped by his house on New Year's Day and rang the bell. He came to the door only to peek out and see who was there, then nothing. Not even a decent "please get the hell off my porch"...just silence, deafening silence. He is missing out on so much! Owen is going to be 4 years old in May! Joey is our last baby! He will never know what it is like to hold his daughter's baby...his grand baby. It breaks my heart for a million different reasons and I know that I should just give it up and move on, but I can't. I'm stuck, I'm fixated, I'm OCD about this issue. I sent him a birth announcement when Joey was born, I've sent him emails that were replied to by Maryanne (my step-mother), and I sent a Christmas card (that was sent back unopened in an envelope). I should get the hint, the point, the clue that the man wants NOTHING to do with me. But still I try. Am I just grasping at straws or will he come around someday? Am I just trying to prove something here? (SEE?! The rest of my cousins turned out stupid, with bastard children, jail time, drug abuse, stealing. lying, cheating...and here I stand, married, educated, honored to be my children's mother!!! I have a perfect life! See how good I turned out despite your doubts?!) Why do I insist on beating my head against the brick wall that he's built inside his head? I guess I can only hope that he will come around before it really is too late. I think humans are very capable of forgiveness and kindness, but I also think there are boundaries and limits that can be met at any given time. I just hope I know my limits and when I should just let it go.

...SIGH...