Some Meanderings About Being a Parent

There has been a lot of outrageous child abuse cases happening lately here in the Springs. It makes me so sad. I was listening to the news on the way home the other day when the newscaster told of the recent case involving a 24 year old man that beat his 4 month old daughter to death because she wouldn't stop crying. The details they told literally made me want to throw up. I can understand that the crying can be bad and hard to deal with...Joey was mildly colic for a month or two. I can vividly recall afternoons that I sat bawling when Ryan had to leave for work and I dreaded the evening hours because I knew that Joey was going to cry for a couple of hours, making me feel incompetent and horrid because NOTHING I did made it stop (or start for that matter!) But there are ways to deal...when I reached my limit I called my best friend, I put Joey in a safe place (his swing usually) and I stepped outside and cried on the phone to Desiree. She got me through a couple of really rough nights and I am so glad I have her in my life! But because of those experiences I can honestly see how people crack, go over the edge and snap. I just have a hard time comprehending the absolute horrid guilt that would follow. Just a baby, they can't tell you if their tummy hurts or if they just have a hair wrapped around their pinky toe! So completely reliant on you as their parent to keep them fed, warm, clean and safe. So dependent on your unconditional love and care, a gentle reminder that life is so much bigger than you.

So Joey is now doing well at sleeping in his crib from 7 or 8 at night until 12 or 2 in the morning, there are some nights he just decides to come to momma's bed sooner and that's okay too. The other night he decided to wake up at 11 and so I brought him to bed, nursed him and snuggled him close...and as I laid there listening to him breathe, feeling his soft skin, smelling his sweet baby smell I was overcome with love and devotion to this little person. My Little Bits that will be crawling and walking and running to keep up with big brother - I have to hang on to every last memory of him as a baby because it will fly right by me before I'm ready and he'll be a big boy. Being a parent brings the world back into prospective - you look for the little things in life that mean so much, like hearing your child say, "I love you, mommy." and watching your baby's eyes light up when he sees you walk into the room. I love my children like I have loved nothing else in this world, I would put everything on the line for them in a heartbeat. How completely fulfilling.

And lately I've been struggling to understand why my own father wants nothing to do with me and my world. He is totally dead set against ever talking to me again, apparently I've been an awful daughter at some point in my life. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect and there are probably a few things I should have done differently, but isn't life too short to NOT forgive and move on? I know it's impossible to forget past discrepancies, but doesn't it heal to forgive the one who trespasses? We live in the same city, yet we are a thousand miles apart emotionally. A couple years ago we stopped by his house on New Year's Day and rang the bell. He came to the door only to peek out and see who was there, then nothing. Not even a decent "please get the hell off my porch"...just silence, deafening silence. He is missing out on so much! Owen is going to be 4 years old in May! Joey is our last baby! He will never know what it is like to hold his daughter's baby...his grand baby. It breaks my heart for a million different reasons and I know that I should just give it up and move on, but I can't. I'm stuck, I'm fixated, I'm OCD about this issue. I sent him a birth announcement when Joey was born, I've sent him emails that were replied to by Maryanne (my step-mother), and I sent a Christmas card (that was sent back unopened in an envelope). I should get the hint, the point, the clue that the man wants NOTHING to do with me. But still I try. Am I just grasping at straws or will he come around someday? Am I just trying to prove something here? (SEE?! The rest of my cousins turned out stupid, with bastard children, jail time, drug abuse, stealing. lying, cheating...and here I stand, married, educated, honored to be my children's mother!!! I have a perfect life! See how good I turned out despite your doubts?!) Why do I insist on beating my head against the brick wall that he's built inside his head? I guess I can only hope that he will come around before it really is too late. I think humans are very capable of forgiveness and kindness, but I also think there are boundaries and limits that can be met at any given time. I just hope I know my limits and when I should just let it go.

...SIGH...

You Know You Grew Up in the 80's IF:

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
3. You know that 'WOAH' comes from Joey on Blossom
4. If you ever watched 'Fraggle Rock'
5. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
6. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head. 7. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
8. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
9. You played the game 'MASH'(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
10. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
11. You know the profound meaning of ' WAX ON , WAX OFF'
12. You wanted to be a Goonie.
13. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (Some of us...head-to-toe)
14. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off, his cheeks shifted and his nationality became questionable.
15. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
16. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
17. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
18. You still get the urge to say 'NOT' after every sentence. 19. You thought your childhood friends would never leave
because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
21. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. 22. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying 'I know you are, but what am I?'
23. You remember 'I've fallen and I can't get up'
24. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
25. You have ever played with a Skip-It. 26. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
27. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
28. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
29. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
30. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as 'NKOTB'
31. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on 'Saved By The Bell,' The ORIGINAL class. 32. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
33. You just sang those words to yourself.34. You still sing 'We are the World'
35. You tight rolled or french cuffed your jeans. And still debate on which is the right term!
36. You owned a bannana clip.
37. You remember 'Where's the Beef?'
38. You used to (and probably still do) say 'What you talkin' 'bout Willis?'
39. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

So in Love

So a couple of days ago I was walking out of the house behind Owen, he had on his jeans, a pull over and his baseball hat. The sun was shining and he was just taking his time getting to the van and I was shocked at how much he has grown...

Owen was a big baby, arriving at 9 pounds 7.2 ounces in May 2005...such a joy in our lives.

He turned one in Germany with my parents there to celebrate his first big milestone!

He turned two in California with Ryan's parents, where he was not impressed with sand.

He turned three in Colorado with a big party in my grandma's back yard.

Look at how much my first baby has grown...he's no longer a baby, he's a little boy. A handsome, caring, inquisitive, talkative, loveable, squeezeable, smart, fun little boy that fills my heart with so much love I feel like it's going to burst with some of his characteristic little expressions. Sigh...I am so in love!

I tell him every night: "I love you forever, like you for always, as long as you're living, my baby you'll be"

The Change We Need

"We have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord."

President Barack Obama

INSPIRE: v. hearten, reassure, encourage; move, induce, prompt; fire, inflame, spur

HOPE: n. desire, expectation, expectancy, trust, confidence, reliance, faith, belief, assurance, security; reassurance, encouragment; prospect; optimist

FAITH: n. constancy, fidelity, allegiance; trust, confidence; creed, religious persason, church, gelief, piety, piousness

BELIEF: n. credence, faith, credit, trust, confidence, reliance, acceptance, assumption, orthodoxy

TRUST: v. believe in, have faith in, accredit, belief

Some Thoughts for The New Year

2009

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk (run) every day. And while you walk, smile. Itis the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement,'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food thatis manufactured in plants.
5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,will this matter?'
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him
.20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
21 Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!
22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings.You'll be smiling before you know it.

Yes, Life is Good

So here we are...we as in Ryan and Jessica, married for 9 years this past November with two wonderful little boys.

Owen (Bubba) who is 3 1/2 years old

and Joey (Little Bits) who is 3 1/2 months old.

It seems like yesterday when we started out in Colorado Springs dating, getting married in Las Vegas, moved to El Paso where we were stationed at Fort Bliss in the Army. Soon after we left for Heidelberg, Germany where we got pregnant and gave birth to Owen, so very far away from all family.

Then back to Colorado Springs, back to El Paso, where we got pregnant with Joey, back to Colorado Springs where he was born with TONS of family.

And here we stay, content with our past travels, trials, and tribulations. We are happy to never move again (me especially). So many stories for us to share...including wacky travels through Europe...did you ever hear the one about Ryan almost purposely leaving me in Rome, Italy?

...crazy life in El Paso...how about the moving truck accident?

...and our comfortable life in Colorado Springs...have I told you that Joey is the fifth generation born in Colorado?

Overall we are a close knit family, I am blessed beyond all belief with the privilege of staying home with my boys. And Ryan is a wonderful provider, working hard at his federal job while maintaining status in the Army Reserves.

We are blessed to have my family in town and we wait with high hopes for his parents to move back if nothing more than to be close to their favorite little boys. While it hasn't always been sugar coated, we've learned to swallow our pride, admit to the mistakes we've made, and make amends with our past. We are just finishing with a Chapter 7 Bankruptcy that we don't hide, but try not to dwell on either...life happens. We have a secure roof over our heads (with many thanks to Ryan's parents), food on the table, and the best gifts in life that nobody can take away, our precious boys.

Yes, life is good.